As a baby, it goes without saying I don’t like to complain. Just get on with it by myself, that’s my motto.
But sometimes there are problems which are so glaringly obvious I can’t ignore them.
I’ve tried, don’t get me wrong. But when I’m put down for a nap for example, right in the middle of play time. Or when I’m given green things with my lunch, even though my Mommy knows full well I’m allergic to green. That’s what I’m talking about here. The big stuff.
Like I said, I don’t like to complain. I don’t see problems, I see challenges with solutions.
Take my house for example. It’s warm and cosy and smells good. I love coming back to it after a long day.
But some elements of it… just don’t work.
So I’ve suggested a few slight design changes here and there. I’ve drawn up a few tips for the big guys to sort out the main issues. I can’t wait to see what they think!
I’m not sure if you’ve noticed, but there are these funny lock things on the cupboards in the kitchen. I’ve been watching you open and close them but somehow I still can’t work out how to do it myself.
It’s embarrassing. I mean, I’m almost 2 years old and can’t even open a cupboard door. At least the other babies don’t know about it. I’d never hear the end of it. So first thing’s first, let’s just get rid of them.
Then we need to work on where the food is kept. I see the theme you’re running with. Some things are put out of reach, others are out in plain sight. But I think you’re a bit confused.
For example, the apples and tangerines and bananas (AKA boring stuff) are right there on the counter. The chocolate and cookies and candy are in that top cupboard.
You probably haven’t thought about this, but I can’t reach that shelf. Even if I climb on top of the oven burners I can only sometimes use a toy to knock stuff down from there. The margin for error is too great.
Let’s just keep the fruit on that high shelf, and if a monkey comes to visit we will get it down. And we can put the chocolate on the counter. That way Mommy won’t have to get the step ladder out 3 or 4 times every day either. Y’know, to get herself snacks to eat behind a cushion.
I don’t mean to sound ungrateful. But have you noticed that your stuff takes up all the space?
Let me break it down for you. There’s the sofa I’m not allowed to climb on. The television I’m not allowed to watch more than 5 minutes of. The table that you eat on, which is about 100x the size of my highchair.
The bookshelves I’m not supposed to take things off.
And meanwhile, I have a small box of toys which you’re always telling me to ‘tidy up’? Selfish much?
Daddy even shouted at me last week when he found my tuna sandwich in the toy toaster. I had put it away for later. I can’t remember when exactly. He threw them both in the bin.
Look, let’s just agree once and for all. You leave my stuff alone, and I’ll destroy yours. Deal?
One positive though, I love the carpet. I love how light-colored it is. A real blank canvas for my creativity. When I throw food on the floor, most things totally leave a stain. Like last week, with that tomato sauce? Even after you scrubbed at it for ages with that sponge, it still looks really pretty.
On an unrelated note, don’t you think the weather is turning a bit cold for so many outdoor picnics?
Talking about the bathroom, I love the bath! Great invention, wouldn’t change a thing. Except maybe the bath itself. Have you seen how hard I have to kick and splash to get the floor and you guys wet? It seems like you could make that easier for me.
Have you considered making it just a bit shallower? Then I wouldn’t have to stand up to throw my bath toys on your lap, or empty water onto the floor. As much as I love the bath, I hate having my hair washed. It seems pretty simple to me. But I guess it’s complicated for adults to remember, because yet again yesterday… hair wash!
So here’s my idea. Let’s just throw away all the jugs. And that weird scary shower thing. And the shampoo and conditioner. Then you won’t be tempted to forget again. Just put them in the garbage, and we can wave bye bye. (On a separate point-have you seen how awesome I am at waving? You’re not cheering loud enough.)
I only have one change to make for your bedroom. I wouldn’t want to interfere. You know I respect your privacy completely right?
But your bed. It’s just too small. Sometimes when I come join you in the middle of the night, I feel a bit squashed.
So then I have to kind of kick and shove and roll about until I can lie horizontally or spread myself out like a starfish. Y’know, be comfortable. So it would be good if we could just make the bed about double the size or replace it with our trampoline. The room is pretty small though. Hmm…
OH. Lightbulb moment. Daddy could sleep in the garden. He loves it in there anyway.
That’s all for now. It’s nap time. 5pm. Yawn. These are just a few of my ideas. I have a bunch more if you’d like!
Feel free to come up with your own adjustments too. Just make sure to run them by me before you get too carried away. You grown ups can’t be trusted with too much responsibility after all.
Rachel Fink is a writer and mom of 7 kids. She keeps her sanity by keeping a stash of chocolate and coffee nearby.