As a Marriage and Family Therapist and Family Psychologist, I have interviewed and treated many clients who grew up with a parent suffering from bipolar disorder (manic depression). Here are my observations on the effects of having such a parent and recommendations for treatment:
Table of Contents
Common Effects
Studies show that children who grow up with a parent with bipolar disorder often become adults who are plagued with of anxiety and self-doubt.
They also tend to be hyper-vigilant when it comes to romantic partners and their own children. And because these individuals grew up in homes where their needs were often unmet, it doesn’t take much for them to feel abandoned by their loved ones.
Childhood for these individuals often involved “competing” against the “ups and downs” of their bipolar parent’s symptoms just to get an ounce of attention. I have found for many of these “off-springs” this feeling of having to “compete” has continued into adulthood.
My clients report that they still struggle for their parents’ attention, because everyone’s attention is focused on their mentally ill parent’s fluctuating moods.
As a result, some of the effects I have noticed in children with one (or two) bipolar parents are:
- emotional and psychological distress
- learning disabilities
- low productivity at work
- diminished overall functioning.
Moreover, these clients often complain of feeling rejected by others (once they learn of their mentally ill parent), dysfunctional romantic relationships and friendships, on-going marital issues, domestic violence, and family avoidance.
Psychological Issues
Mental Illness & ADHD
According to a 2014 study, adult children of parents with bipolar disorder (BD) have a higher risk of developing psychosocial problems like promiscuity and risky sexual behaviors.
They are also at-risk of committing suicide, suffering with substance abuse or addiction, becoming “hyper-sexual,” experiencing on-going family conflict, and exhibiting dangerous and aggressive behaviors.
Thus, results indicate that bipolar disorder doesn’t just affect the person suffering from it; it also affects the lives of their loved ones, especially their spouses and children. Researchers also found that those, who exhibit promiscuity and risk sexual behaviors, were also prone to delinquency, domestic violence, secrecy, and aggression.
In addition, many adult children with a bipolar parent often complain of feeling helpless and hopeless, because they “can’t fix” their aging “sick parent.”
Some even report feeling depressed, angry, and frustrated, like they are somehow to blame for their parent’s condition. These individuals don’t like to tell others about their parent’s mental illness because they are afraid they will be judged or stigmatized if they do.
These researchers also found that young adults, who have parents with bipolar disorder, have a higher risk (14-fold chance) of developing early-onset bipolar disorder, an anxiety disorder, or another mood disorder (2.5-fold chance).
Lastly, results indicate that adult children with a bipolar parent may develop other conditions, such as oppositional-defiant disorder (ODD) or attention deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD). Some adult children, who are currently experiencing depression or bipolar disorder, reported that their first episode(s) arose during adolescence.
Substance Abuse & Addiction
According to studies, some parents turn to drugs and alcohol to “escape” their bipolar symptoms. The problem is their children are often present when they do this. As a result, they grow up believing that you can “escape” from your problems by using or abusing those same “vices” – alcohol and drugs.
So the off-spring of one or two bipolar parents has a heightened risk of substance abuse and addiction problems. This is especially true for those, who go onto develop bipolar disorder themselves. Their drugs of choice are typically alcohol (86%), pot (71%) and tobacco (21%).
Another study found that there is a positive correlation between PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) in bipolar young adults who have at least one parent with bipolar disorder, and the development of substance abuse problems.
These findings suggest that bipolar disorder increases one’s risk of developing PTSD, especially if that individual also suffers from the disorder. Researchers believe that this increased risk may stem from environmental influences (watching their “sick parent” abuse drugs and alcohol), genetics, or a combination of both.
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
Lastly, research suggests that adult children with at least one bipolar parent are more likely to experience post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), due to the trauma they experienced during their childhoods (growing up with a bipolar parent).
Feelings and Thought Patterns
Feelings and thought patterns I have noticed in my clients:
“No one cares about me.”
Children with one or two parents with bipolar disorder are often plagued with loneliness and a sense of “helplessness.” They also report feeling unusually vulnerable towards things they cannot control. Many have shared with me that they feel unloved, unwanted, and abandoned, due to their past experiences with their mentally-ill parents.
The worst thing about growing up with a depressed parent is that you often feel invisible and unimportant, according to my clients. Moreover, they report that the “craziness” of their home lives during childhood has always made them feel that they would be judged by peers, romantic interests, spouses, friends, and even colleagues and co-workers, if they told them about their “sick parent.”
“I have experienced so much trauma and betrayal.”
Numerous clients have shared with me that surviving childhood was one of their biggest accomplishments. Why? Because of the trauma they experienced, as children and teens. These individuals report that their childhoods were often wrought with fear, confusion, uncertainty, and anxiety.
They also shared that the “other parent,” the one not suffering from mental illness, was often useless when it came to providing a stable home life for them. They believe this occurred because of the “healthy parent’s” inability to cope with their ill spouse or the situation, in general.
Another common theme I found amongst those with a parent with bipolar disorder is that they felt and still feel betrayed by their parents. Although they admit that they understood and accepted their mentally ill parent’s “situation,” they still felt betrayed by their “sick parent” and their “healthy parent.”
These individuals reported that because their parents failed to love, nurture, guide, support, and protect them, during childhood, those feelings of inadequacy, rejection, and betrayal followed them into adulthood. As a result, they have suffered or still suffer from low self-esteem, self-confidence, and sense of self-value.
“The pain from my childhood radiates to all aspect of my life.”
Another pattern commonly found in those with a parent with bipolar disorder is guilt, grief, anger, and despair. They also tend to suffer from self-blame. During childhood, most report that the full-scope of their “sick parent’s” condition was hidden from them. As a result, they grew up in a state of confusion. There was a shroud of secrecy that caused them to be ashamed of their families.
It was this secrecy and shame that caused them to develop panic attacks, anxiety disorders, and high stress levels – as children and as adults. Now as an adult, their primary worry centers on whether the mental illness will be passed on to their own children and grandchildren. As a result, many have either decided not to have biological children, or wait until they are older and better equipped to handle a child with a possible mental illness.
“I just want to ‘play it safe.’”
Because my clients grew up in unstable homes, they often took over the role of “child-parent.” More specifically, they took over the “mother” and “father” roles for their siblings. And because most of their child and teen years involved caring for younger children and helping the “healthy parent” take care of the “sick one,” these individuals often felt dismissed, ignored, or overlooked.
To “keep the peace” as much as possible in the home, these individuals often learned how to “please others” – primarily because it provided them with safety and security within their families and peer circles. They just wanted to “fit in” with others – and still do. They want to be liked and accepted, and they crave praise and positive feedback. If they don’t receive the recognition they crave, they change their behaviors to attain it. As a result, they have a hard time relaxing and “just going with the flow.”
“It caused me to grow up.”
While many of my clients feel that having at least one parent with bipolar disorder hindered their growth and development, some reported that having a parent with a mental illness was actually a “blessing in disguise.” More specifically, they shared that having a “sick parent” caused them to mature faster.
It also helped them develop empathy, understanding, and compassion towards those suffering from chronic illnesses and disabilities. Thus their parent’s condition made them stronger and more resilient in the face of adversity.
“I refused to allow my childhood to dictate my future.”
Many of my clients gained strength from focusing on the things they could control like their education, their own behaviors and attitudes, their treatment of others, and their relationships with others, including their own children. They reported that gaining an education (going to college) saved their lives and helped them move beyond their fractured childhoods.
Gaining an education allowed them to have more job opportunities, which gave them hope for the future. This achievement signaled to them that they could do anything they wanted despite their pasts and despite their parents. It didn’t matter if they didn’t overly excel in school, most still loved going to school (elementary, middle, and high school, and college) because it provided them with a much-needed respite from their turbulent an unpredictable home lives.
Specific Effects on Adult Children
Listed below are only some of the effects that having a bipolar parent can have on an adult child:
- Constant anxiety
- Self-blame and anger at the “healthier parent”
- Feelings of shame, embarrassment, and guilt, as if the child “caused” the parent’s mental illness
- Interrupted family routines leading to feelings of uncertainty and instability
- A sense of loss because the “sick parent” will never be like they were before the illness
- Shame over the parent’s condition
- Social isolation
- Difficulty concentrating at college or being productive at their job
- Missed child and teen years, due to having to take care of a “sick parent” and any siblings
- Family avoidance
My Recommendations
Children and adults with one or two parents with bipolar disorder would greatly benefit from speaking with a highly trained trauma-based mental health specialist (i.e. psychologist, psychiatrist, counselor, psychotherapist, or clinical social worker).
The specialist can help them process what happened during their childhoods. It is important that these individuals have an opportunity to address and process their feelings about how their parent’s illness affected them emotionally, mentally, socially, physically, and psychologically.
I believe that once they receive the help they need, these individuals will finally experience the relief, peace, and healing they need to fully move on with their lives.
It’s important that mental health professionals explain to their clients that the path to healing will not be an easy one. But that one’s childhood does not have to define who they become.
With hard work and dedication, children of bipolar parents can heal from their past traumas, and go on to live healthy, happy, and productive lives.
References
- McCormack, L., White, S. & Cuenca, J. (2016). A fractured journey of growth: Making meaning of a ‘broken’ childhood and parental mental ill-health. Community, Work & Family, 20(3), 327-345. Retrieved from https://doi.org/10.1080/13668803.2015.1117418
- Nijjar, R., Ellenbogen, M.A., & Hodgins, S. (2014). Personality, coping, risky behavior, and mental disorders in the offspring of parents with bipolar disorder: A comprehensive psychosocial assessment. Journal of Affective Disorders, 166, 315-323. Retrieved from https://www.researchgate.net/publication/263049371_Personality_coping_risky_behavior_and_mental_disorders_in_the_offspring_of_parents_with_bipolar_disorder_A_comprehensive_psychosocial_assessment
- Birmaher, B., Axelson, D., Monk, K., et al. (2009). Lifetime psychiatric disorders in school-aged offspring of parents with bipolar disorder: the Pittsburgh Bipolar Offspring study. Archives General Psychiatry, 66, 287-296. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/19255378
- Steinbuchel, P. H., Wilens, T. E., Adamson, J. J., & Sgambati, S. (2009). Post-traumatic stress disorder and substance use disorder in adolescent bipolar disorder. Bipolar Disorder, 11, 198-204. Retrieved from https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC2917470/
This article is me. It has taken me until 37 years old to finally throw in the towel and come to terms with the fact that no matter what I do, how muchI do, How much I pay for, or How Badly I want it, my mother will never be any version of the person I need her to be, wanted her to be or who I thought she wanted to be. After she had a stroke at 58, my boyfriend & I moved her in with us because she could no loner drive and we didn’tant her to be alone if anything else ever happened. After 2 1/2 years of living together at 60 years old and 37 years old, I have finally broke. I can’t keep having the same arguments. I can’t watch her spend her money irresponsibly especially since I am the one bailing her out when she does. The past week I have been struggling with feelings of anger, disappointment, loss, betrayal, guilt, heaviness, and sadness. I paid money from my savings towards money she owes the IRS. I ripped up her rent check because she went to the casino and sent the money for the check. I organized a drawer of mail she had to find out she is almost $35,000 in debt. When I refused to take her to take her to the store to spend the $20 she had in her bank account on the lottery she asked me several times getting madder each time I said no. When I would calmly, intelligently and honestly explain why I wasn’t going to take her she accused me of throwing everything in her face, being disrespectful, treating her like crap, and so on. She finished it off with a text letting me know she is moving out. Last night was talking to me as if it never happened, following me around the house while I cleaned, and then asked if I wanted to go shopping the next day and spend a little time together. She owes me $1770 but told me she would give me $1000 out of her stimulus so she had some money to spend. I asked her every day to not call me while I was at work. She called me every single day until I blocked her number. Now when she told the story of her week I was the villian. Her family and friends version of the last week has me painted as a disrespectful brat. I love my mother, but over the past 2 years of living together the good times, meaningful conversations, and precious memoriess we used to have that kind of washed out all the other craziness are fewer and farther between. I find myself angry and mean even when we aren’t arguing so I avoid spending time together. It feels like a chore. My life has centered around my career and her for so long now that I feel like I don’t get time for me and I resent it because I have worked really hard to get to this part in my life and I thought I would be able to finally breath and enjoy it. I want to have a relationship with her that is loving and fun, but with her inability to self identify the behaviors that cause the issues or even to listen to or sympathize with how her behaviors effect me at work, mentally and emotionally I don’t see how this is going to work. I can only help that through my personal therapy I can learn to cope with the behaviors or change how I react to the them. I have to come to terms with the fact that the obsessive part of her brain is always focused on her and what she wants, what she needs, how she feels, and that anything I say no matter how I say it regarding any aspect of her life will be computed in her brain as an attack and she will defend, deflect and deny everything. It hurts to know that even when I’m crying about the fact I asked her not to call me at work but then she called me 6 times to ask me to help her with something or to stop and buy her something or to read over something or just to tell me something, she thinks all 6 calls were justified and they were important and She will never call me again and why do I always throw the fact that I work in her face. No true sympathy about it and doesn’t understand why I’m so upset and crying.
Thanks for listening.
Same. So same. And it sucks because I love my mother and I don’t want her to hurt. It makes me sad to distance myself from her because I don’t want to hurt her. I want her to know I love her, but that I can’t be around her because of what it does to me.
She’s managable if I abide by avoiding triggers or agree with her even when I don’t, but that’s getting harder to do. It’s exhausting. And if I don’t fit her perfect image of me because I don’t call her back right away (just one time) she flips out at me. If she’s sick she takes it out on me. If my brother triggers her she yells at me too. And we’re so worried she’s going to hurt herself.
I feel bad for her that she has children that don’t like her (even though we still love her). But she makes it so difficult for us to like her.
Everyone else sees her has this kind sweetest wonderful fun woman. And she is, except when she feels disrespected or made fun of.
I hate that she wants to
Be close to me and my brother more than anything, and that it’s not her fault that her illness pushes us away. I hate that it hurts her that we dont want to see her and that she can’t understand that it’s her disorder that’s keeping us away and not her. That she takes it to heart and refuses to believe that she’s having an episode when having it or had an episode in retrospect…. EVEN though SHE KNOWS she is bipolar. She’s medicated for it.
I am 37 too and starting a new job next week. How do I not feel so sad and bad for her? I’m worrying about her again and it’s making me feel depressed and anxious in everyday life. Interfering with my ability to focus/work and be happy. I just ran my first half marathon on saturday and I haven’t even been able to feel good and joyful and happy about that and that it’s over.
Im too worried about my mom. I feel guilty for not taking care of her or trying to make things better or fix things with her.
Im worried this will affect my performance at my new job.
Im afraid she’ll show up to my new job and make a scene
And if i take a break from her Im worried and super stressed about when I do see her again. The anticipation of it is incredibly stressful.
And then to try and rebuild our relationship every few months- as if nothing happened –
I have nearly exactly the same case, and my lady is behaving the same. I am with u sister! Take care
I’m now 44 years old and I made it thru a childhood filled with rage, screaming, and guilt because I wasn’t good enough. My moms childhood was being raped by her stepfather, beaten and always hungry so I should be happy that she and my father wanted a good life for me and my brother. As she says “we are doing the best we can, I never got that growing up”.
My mom has never been diagnosed with bipolar or PTSD but I know something was always and still is wrong. Reading this article make me remember all the times I was a teenager crying and telling them I’m going to be a better parent and my kids are going to be happy.
My husband and I have three daughters now. One in college one is a senior and the little one is 14. I tell them everyday I love them and kiss them. It’s never followed up with my mom didn’t do that. I want them to know love and I try to be supportive and listen to them. We have a good relationship, they are so important to me.
I knew what rape was and all my moms problems before I was 10years old, and she brought it up ALL the time. It was even embarrassing when she would tell everyone even my friends!
I married an amazing person who loves family and loves all of us unconditionally, even my mom. I just always knew that something was wrong with my mom and I was never going to treat my daughters like that, I knew I could do better. I made a promise that I was going to end the abusive behavior with her.
Thank you for this. I’m 15 years old and my dad has bipolar. This made me feel alot more normal, like i’m not completely alone in this world. Cheers for that
yeah I got that to my mam has bipolar and I am the only one that looks after her, I don’t know anyone else who’s parents have bipolar so its only things like this I have to go on.
You’re not alone. I’m 35 and still struggle any time I need a caring ear. If I’m ever upset she finds herself on the opposite side of the issue from me. I even had to check her in to an institution for a week which she still denies was a week.
You are way ahead of the curve buddy you can make it! I didnt even start to realize until I was almost 30.
Best take-away points from the article: “I believe that once they receive the help they need, these individuals will finally experience the relief, peace, and healing they need to fully move on with their lives.”
And also, “It’s important that mental health professionals explain to their clients that the path to healing will not be an easy one. But that one’s childhood does not have to define who they become.”
These stand out to me. I’ve never received licensed care, but was blessed to meet my husband. TALKING and having someone LISTEN are the best forms of therapy. I believe most people in our world are desperate for this type of interaction. My husband is “the therapist” at his job. Whether customers or co-workers, he’s the person to go-to. Why? Because he listens and cares. I wish I could clone him and share him with the world! I truly hope and pray that everyone with this need will find someone patient and kind enough to give their time to help someone else. If you have to pay for it and the person is truly caring, then that’s OK too. We need to give more to each other and try to be there to help meet each other’s needs.